“You’re Too FAT” - A letter to my doctor
Today I want to share with you a letter that my client wrote (with her permission) to her pediatric primary care physician. Sometimes when my clients are able to pinpoint the EXACT comment that set them down the path of HA I will ask them to write a letter to that person in hopes that it will allow them a second chance to stand up for themselves. This is not about placing blame, but rather empowering the client to share how that comment impacted them and if they choose to… forgive that person. Forgiveness is NOT saying that their comment was okay… but rather it is choosing a path of healing and no longer being tied to the person.
As I read my client’s letter… something happened that I didn’t expect. While reading I felt SOOOO seen, heard, and understood. I can’t explain it. Even though my HA recovery story is different, the struggle with medical providers is similar. I shared this letter with the rest of our team (Dani and Mishi) and each one of them commented how reading it was so therapeutic and my client articulated her journey so well.
My hope is that as you read this letter, you feel seen, heard, and understood. You are not alone in this journey. There is healing for you too.
A Letter to my doctor-
Dear Dr. K,
When I was around 10 years old, I came into your office for a routine physical. I never really liked going to the doctor’s office in the first place because of a fear of needles and shots, but this one time in particular would be one of the most traumatic experiences that still causes me deep anger and insecurity around my body image.
You may not remember me or this occurrence, but for a young girl in pre-pubescence, it stuck with me and I wanted to let you know how it impacted me and continues to affect my psyche even now in my adult years.
I vividly remember coming in for my annual physical. I stepped on the scale, and you uttered three words that would ring in my ear for the rest of my life: “You’re Too FAT.” Granted, I may have been in the overweight range for my age at the time, but regardless, you could have chosen your words more carefully.
Almost immediately after that appointment, I followed your orders to stick with a 1,200 calorie diet. I exercised daily, and measured all portion sizes of my food. I gave up fast food, I chose vegetables and fruits in place of all sources of fats and oils, and I continued to restrict and over-exercise even after I was in a healthy weight range.
These “Healthy” habits gained me the praise and positive reinforcement I sought from my peers and family members. However, little did they know that I would continue to hold this regimen tightly as a coping mechanism in times of stress throughout my teenage and young adult years. High school, College, and post-graduate school all brought about times of trials and tribulations and when things got tough, I restricted my food. I’d run an extra mile, swim extra laps, cycle longer distances even when my body started to show signs of degradation.
Little did I know, losing my period along the way, was a clear indication that I was not in a healthy state. (It was masked by birth control pills, recommended by my OBGYN. Another medical mishap when I look back at it.) My cholesterol was always high even when I dieted and exercised, so this also reinforced my habits. Now I come to find that lack of estrogen, which is a regulator of cholesterol, is more likely to be the culprit of my elevated cholesterol.
I am now 35 and have not had a natural period in over 15 years. Over the years, I experienced mirco-bone fractures, a labrum tear, hamstring tear, and was diagnosed with osteopenia. I’ve gone through physical therapy and have to get bone density scans biennially. I’ve fallen underweight several times over the past decade, and when I look back to where my disordered eating and unhealthy body image stems from, I turn to YOU.
YOU are the reason, I still feel like the little chubby fat girl with a bowl-cut, sitting in your waiting room. And if you continue to use this type of verbiage with your patients, I want you to know the impact your words can make for the worse. You are not helping anyone by implanting your judgment on the female physique. As a pediatric primary physician, you should know that your patients are at a vulnerable age where they are still forming their identity and shaping their confidence.
How dare you take away any young person’s chance at forming a healthy relationship with their body and food. Please make an effort to be mindful of your words. You can’t erase the damage you’ve done, but you can serve others in a more positive way with body positivity at the foreground.
I have Hypothalamic Amenorrhea, a diagnosis that is rooted in my experience with you. I am currently working with a Holistic Fertility Coach to regain my period. I’m taking more rest days, consuming more animal fats and nutrient dense foods in an effort to regain my cycle and hopefully have healthier bones in the future. I want to have a family and bear children, but this dream can only come true once I forgive the burden you placed on me and let go of the past. I want to re-write my story, and regain my feminine cycle, so I Forgive You, Dr. K.
You did not know the damage you were doing. I took your medical advice too far, and now I am working to undue it. May you take this personal story with a grain of salt, and if you are still practicing, please keep this in mind for the next young girl with fragile hopes and dreams.
Take care,
NP
Ready to make big recovery moves?
If this letter moved you and you're ready to not only get your period back, but do some deep healing work, consider 1:1 coaching with us. If you're not ready for coaching consider joining our community support group, The HA Society. We'd love to help you on your journey.
