Gaining Weight For Hypothalamic Amenorrhea and What It Looks Like Today

At the time of this article it has been 9 months and +17lbs/7kg since I stopped controlling my food to lose weight and instead, try to let me weight do what ever it’s going to do and get my period back from hypothalamic amenorrhea.

In this article I really wanted to share the biggest, most important realization that this gave me, because it's not one I'd heard from anyone else before.

I learned that I was wishing every minute of my life away to lose weight.

You see, my reason for getting out of bed was breakfast – I was so hungry.

Then, I would check the clock constantly until lunch time. I wanted those morning hours to go quick. Then the count down from lunch to dinner was on.

After dinner it was bed time. I didn't want to hang out with Jake because I was exhausted, still hungry and it was easier to just go to bed. Then in the morning I would feel really good about my ability to be so consistent with my nutrition..."Yay! Another perfect calorie deficit done!".

I never thought it was possible to be disconnected from the time of day and when my next meal was coming.

Yes, I knew how to eat to satiate myself. But after enough time consistently under-eating, my meals were never satiating for long. I tried really hard to eat a high volume of food for every meal – fibrous vegetables, lean meats, calorie free condiments, sparkly, painful to drink la croix (still love it though)...but my body is a lot smarter than that. I could eat that stuff until I was sick – and I did – but my brain still said "Hey, we're missing certain nutrients, stay focused until you find more food." So it was back to watching the clock for next feeding hour.

What's worse is that I would try to distract myself by exercising more. Which only made me need more food. Duh.

This meant I would end up over-eating often. Probably once a week I would put myself in a big calorie surplus because I was so hungry.

I'd have weird cravings like raw red meat and I'd start to salivate. I couldn't remember the last time I ate anything less that 90% lean beef. I'd also think about chicken thighs or salmon always with the skin. Potatoes, bread, cheese, milk, full-fat yogurt, dark chocolate, nuts, guacamole (not a plain avocado fan, just the guac) and super dense calories like cake or milkshakes.

I'd work them into my macros when I was on higher calories and it was fine like that for a few weeks – but what was the point of tracking if I wasn't on a cut? So I would cut, get hungry, salivate over caloric food and then overeat over and over again.

Everyone knows stories like this. But here's what's important.

I rarely lost the weight I was aiming to because I always bumped myself out of a calorie deficit. Because I was knowingly "failing" at my calorie deficit and not losing weight anymore, I figured I was actually eating a lot, right?

So why the hell did I have no period, no sex drive, brittle hair, nails and meh-looking skin? I was not cute at all and I wasn't having any fun. I just wanted the days to tick by faster so I could wake up one day...some day...and be small, lean and "perfect". Then I could have fun...I was not well.

A friend of mine started doing day long fasts and I noticed that the thought of fasting actually spiked a panic response in me.

No one was worried about me because I'd never got that lean. It didn't look like I was doing anything harmful to myself. I was, and honestly still am, reluctant to accept that I wasn't particularly "healthy" at 5'4" and 148 lbs.

In fact the only time anyone ever intervened in my eating habits was when it looked like I was "going off my diet". I was encouraged to get back on track. People would comment on the amount of food on my plate or ask if it was ok that I ate that today. "Dani probably doesn't eat that stuff". That was hugely impactful to the morals I put around my food choices. They thought they were helping me by keeping me accountable. I still see merit in that, but the lines started to blur.

I have a story in my head that people think that I'm just not disciplined and that I don't try hard enough.

Sometimes I think that I'm making excuses for my inability to get lean. The challenges I've had are all just because I'm not talented or deserving. My body is breaking down isn't a sign of anything except that I'm weak and boring.

In case any of this resonates with you...

It turns out that no one is actually thinking that about you. They are too busy thinking about themselves and what you think of them.

When I decided to make a change I started eating whatever I wanted – and that's when I realized I'd stopped wishing time away. What a gift that has been.

One day I realized that I wasn't looking at the clock at all anymore. I saw that it was only 10.30am and was pleased that I had so much time to finish a project before lunch. It was no longer important that Jake and I have dinner at exactly 6.30pm anymore, now we don't eat until 9pm! If you had told me a year ago that I could wait until 9pm for dinner without issue, I would laugh. This small thing feels absolutely massive to me.

And since that first day of letting go of restriction, I have not once salivated over food. There's a noticeable difference in the foods that used trigger me to want to overeat. Even when I travel I feel great and make really good food choices without a second thought, which is not my previous experience. I'm just drawn to better choices because there is no restriction anymore.

For example I went to an ice cream parlor and bought a single scoop in a CUP instead of a double in a cone. That's just what I felt like. True story. OH, and Jake got be Peanut M&M's (my fave) last week and they tasted like cardboard. I gave most of them to him.

I've said no to more 'treats', opportunities to eat out and offers for second servings more in these past 9 months than ever in my life without batting and eye. I wholeheartedly wanted those decisions,I wasn't just saying no out obligation to say no. It's so weird.

Also, unimportant add on, but my weight gain has completely flatlined too. I'm not continuing to gain weight just because I stopped controlling my food.

I still have moments where I'm dissatisfied with my appearance, sure. I even convince myself sometimes that weight gain is bad and that I'm continuing to gain weight against all evidence that I'm not (scale, clothing fit etc). It's not all sunshine, rainbows and German Shepherds over here.

All of this is to say – I'm happy that I don't care when my next meal is coming anymore.

My recommendation is spending time working with a recovery coach while staying mindful that it's not something you need to do forever, nor are the strategies they use to teach you (i.e tracking, elimination etc).

I mean, you didn't graduate college and then continue to show up to lectures and classes because you feel like that's the only way to keep practicing what you love. That would be very odd.

My time being coached on my nutrition equipped me with the knowledge and tools to be able to make educated decisions about my nutrition and stop worrying that I don't know how to make food decisions.

And today I use that experience and my knowledge about HA, fertility awareness, nutrition and exercise to help other women (I mean, doesn’t anyone who is passionate tend to want to help others travel the path they once traveled?)

Learn how I achieved this mindset.

Check out our masterclass, Restore Ovulation & Get Pregnant Naturally, where I walk you through my story and numerous case studies of other women who not only recovered in 6-10 weeks but also got pregnant within 3 cycles AND improved their lives and body image. See when the next masterclass is.